Jenerally Speaking

I’m 28 years old and after so many years of this, I still have a hard time really believing that the symptoms I am feeling are anxiety related.
After going through months of tests for MS, Guillome-Barr syndrome, lyme disease, etc. It was finally discovered that the source of my extreme muscle weakness, blurred vision, lightheadedness, swallowing difficulties, tingling fingers, and headaches…..it was all due to an anxiety disorder.
I seemed to be doing well for the past few months, but this week I have been ill again…nausea, muscle weakness, trembling and shaking while experiencing hot flashes. I felt like Billy Graham going through menopause. Because the shaking and trembling was something I never experienced before, I went to the doctor yesterday and she (my real doctor was on vacation, so this was a sub) ran blood work on me and told me to come back to the office the today.
I did….and on my way to the office, I started shaking, feeling dizzy….which then triggered the familiar beginnings of a panic attack. I immediately took some Xanax and most (but not all) of the symptoms went away.
I was still shaking uncontrollably when I got the office, but she truly felt that that was the adrenaline still pumping through system. My heart was racing, my blood pressure was high and I was still feeling a touch of nausea, but she came to the conclusion that this is all anxiety related. My blood work came back completely normal.
And yet…
I worry still.
What if…
What if this isn’t anxiety.
What if …. now don’t laugh at how my mind works, but what if I have some sort of stomach cancer. And that is why I feel so nauseaous and that is why I am so weak. She did say that my glands were swollen…what if that means something. Something bad.
I hate anxiety. I try to hide it from everyone when I am feeling the symptoms because the more attention I bring to it, the worse it usually gets.
The hardest symptom to hide is when I lose strength in my legs. A strange symptom, I know. I actually am reduced to shuffling and I can barely lift my legs. I wonder if other people with anxiety have the same problem.
Well, in any case….I am praying that what I am feeling right now is just anxiety. I’m just worried because it feels a little different this time – I have never had this type of feeling before and I am just worried that maybe something serious is really wrong with me.
But if it is anxiety, I can deal with that.
I have my Xanax….or my new favorite – Ativan. I also have my daily Prozac (40mg) and Zyprexa for my nerves. They have worked wonders so far, but these past few weeks have pushed me to the limit. If I don’t feel well enough by Monday, I will definitely be calling my doctor again and have him run a few more tests. My doctor is the best doctor in the world. I love him – he takes good care of me! I went for years jumping from doctor to doctor and this is the doctor I want to have for the rest of my life. He is thorough and honest and never makes me feel as though I am overreacting to anything.
I’m so afraid of illness and death….and I don’t take care of myself as well as I should. I don’t get enough sleep, I don’t eat enough, I am always fad dieting to lose the same 10 pounds….I probably abuse this poor little body of mine and every now and then it fights back to wake me up and get me back on the healthy track again.

I just want to feel normal again.

As I type this, I can feel my legs trembling a little and my stomach feels as though someone has punched it…it feels so odd. And, my most familiar symptom – “fuzzy head”. Kind of like someone is scratching the nerves inside of my head – like Velcro. I just feel “off”. Usually the medicine works, which lets me know that it must be anxiety since the anxiety medicine takes away most of the symptoms. But what about the people who don’t have medication and don’t have a way to test whether they have anxiety or not? I pray for them….while I pray for me. Anxiety disorder….that is something I do not wish for anyone. I know it’s not life threatening, but sometimes it really feels that way.
How this started, I have no idea….how to stop it, that I do not know, but I am going to start researching some self-help sites to see what kind of anxiety coping tools are available out there. I need to take control of this – that is the only way I can hopefully handle the anxiety without medication in the future. I think some praying about this would help, too.
Well, I shall ramble about this no more. I have some name prints to print and mail out for tomorrow. I received nearly a $200 name print order from my Namely-Yours.com web site. That was exciting! It’s amazing that I actually have customers who come to my site and want to buy my name prints. Exciting, indeed!